When I am giving a presentation on organizing or what I call the Seven Steps to Sanity, I often tell my audience that clutter falls into two basic categories: Memory Clutter and “I Might Need it Someday” Clutter.
I have, however, become painfully aware of another category, one that often leads to borderline or full-blown hoarding disorder. I call this Filling the Void Clutter. I know it exists because some of my clients display the symptoms and I’ve discovered they all have one thing in common…lack of close, loving relationships.
Shopping, collecting, and hoarding “stuff” is a lonely soul’s way to self-nurture. Surrounding oneself with dolls, vintage toys, miniature houses and the like can be comforting to the child inside who feels abandoned and unloved. After all, they can’t walk out on you, move away, or die. Stuff is safe; stuff is forever.
I was having coffee with a friend recently and he told me that he and his wife are considering selling their home and living on a boat, but he had family heirlooms that he wasn’t ready to pass on. “My wife has a saying in her family,” he said. “Never cry over something that can’t cry over you.”
What a great way to think about the stuff in our lives. Only a fellow human being or a beloved pet can give us the love we so richly deserve. Even plants have been proven to thrive on love. But, a chair doesn’t have feelings and love doesn’t reside in a doll, or any of the heirlooms we may not even like, but still consider precious. So, why do we hold onto them? For my friend, those possessions felt like connection to the family he had lost. For others, they are a substitute for the children who moved too far away, the grandchildren who rarely if ever visit, or the friends who never have time to play anymore.
The next time you have the urge to shop, call your mother, father, brother, sister, daughter, or son instead. Make time to have lunch with a friend you haven’t seen for a while. Play with your cat or take your dog for a long walk. Do not allow yourself to be defined by what you have, but rather choose to be defined by who you are; someone who cares deeply about relationship with others and takes the time to show it.
Live simply and nurture your relationships. They will, in turn, nurture you.