Habitat For Your Sanity

On January 1, 2011, the oldest member of the baby boomer population (those born between 1946 and 1964) turned 65.  During this year alone, 7,000 more boomers will turn 65 EVERY SINGLE DAY!

As boomers age, we often find ourselves juggling career, family and the responsibility of caring for our elderly parent(s) and/or the liquidation of their estate(s).   We begin to ask ourselves, “How long can dad maintain the yard and all of the home repairs?  Now that mom is alone, can she keep up the family home with its 20 or 40 year collection of stuff?  What if something happens and we are left with the clean-up?  How and when should we broach the topic of downsizing?

Let’s begin by dropping the term ‘downsizing’.  The word itself is a ‘downer’ and simply evokes a feeling of loss.  Life is full of different stages and transitions and this just happens to be one of them.  A much more appropriate and positive term is RIGHTSIZING – a time to acquire and a time to let go.  We can choose to gift our treasured possessions to others NOW and enjoy their delight in receiving them.  We can choose less responsibilities and more time with family, friends, and hobbies.   No more storing things for others.  We and our parents can choose less stuff and more freedom.

As one of my clients, a seventy year old retired professor, told me years ago, “I am cleaning up after myself so my kids won’t have to.”

Let’s start with our own stuff and encourage our parents to do the same.  Letting go of stuff we don’t need, want, use, or haven’t the space for is cathartic.  Sort, purge, pack “like with like” in uniform containers (preferably clear plastic) and clearly label the contents of each box.  Just doing that makes everything easier to move should you decide to.  Start early; take it in stages, and it will be easier.  If you wait until you “have to,” the process is guaranteed to be a roller-coaster of emotion. Look at this new stage in life as an opportunity for new experiences and new memories.  Letting go opens up all kinds of possibilities.  It is not the end.  It is a fresh start – at any age.

This blog is for parents who want their children to clean up after themselves.

I was recently consulting with a woman who had three rooms in her home that were out of control:  the home office; her son’s bedroom; and the bonus (play) room.  She was frustrated with her ten-year-old son because he seemed overwhelmed when she asked him to pick up after himself.  “When I tell him to clean up his room,” she said, “he looks at the mess, throws up his hands, and cries, ‘I don’t know where to start!’”

Sound familiar?  I’m sure it does to anyone who has or is currently raising kids.  Most children will do anything to get out of cleaning their rooms, right?  Or is the issue slightly more complicated?

“What if I said, ‘Jane, go clean up your office,’” I asked.  “What would you say?”

She looked at me and broke into a smile.  “I’d say, ‘I don’t know where to start,’” she said with a chuckle.  The irony was definitely not lost on her.

“Tonight, instead of saying, ‘Jimmy, go clean up your room,’ try saying, ‘Jimmy, let’s go clean up your room together,’” I suggested.  After all, she had called me to help her organize the office.

When it comes to training our children how to get and stay organized, we often forget the teaching part.  We either clean their rooms ourselves while they’re in school or otherwise occupied outside the home, or we admonish them and tell them to go clean up after themselves.  How many of us actually do the job with them?

Organizing is a process that is learned, and we all learn best in a cooperative environment.  So, next time you’re tempted to tell your child to go clean up her room, think about how you would feel if someone told you to go clean up your garage.  Overwhelmed, right?  When faced with a difficult task, we all need non-judgmental help, a lot of encouragement, and a laugh or two along the way.  Your child is no exception.

When I am giving a presentation on organizing or what I call the Seven Steps to Sanity, I often tell my audience that clutter falls into two basic categories:  Memory Clutter and “I Might Need it Someday” Clutter.

I have, however, become painfully aware of another category, one that often leads to borderline or full-blown hoarding disorder.  I call this Filling the Void Clutter.  I know it exists because some of my clients display the symptoms and I’ve discovered they all have one thing in common…lack of close, loving relationships.

Shopping, collecting, and hoarding “stuff” is a lonely soul’s way to self-nurture.  Surrounding oneself with dolls, vintage toys, miniature houses and the like can be comforting to the child inside who feels abandoned and unloved.  After all, they can’t walk out on you, move away, or die.  Stuff is safe; stuff is forever.

I was having coffee with a friend recently and he told me that he and his wife are considering selling their home and living on a boat, but he had family heirlooms that he wasn’t ready to pass on.  “My wife has a saying in her family,” he said.  “Never cry over something that can’t cry over you.”

What a great way to think about the stuff in our lives.  Only a fellow human being or a beloved pet can give us the love we so richly deserve.  Even plants have been proven to thrive on love.  But, a chair doesn’t have feelings and love doesn’t reside in a doll, or any of the heirlooms we may not even like, but still consider precious.  So, why do we hold onto them?  For my friend, those possessions felt like connection to the family he had lost.  For others, they are a substitute for the children who moved too far away, the grandchildren who rarely if ever visit, or the friends who never have time to play anymore.

The next time you have the urge to shop, call your mother, father, brother, sister, daughter, or son instead.  Make time to have lunch with a friend you haven’t seen for a while.  Play with your cat or take your dog for a long walk.   Do not allow yourself to be defined by what you have, but rather choose to be defined by who you are; someone who cares deeply about relationship with others and takes the time to show it.

Live simply and nurture your relationships.  They will, in turn, nurture you.

Two of the most negative influences connected with clutter and disorganization are blame and shame.  Recently, a gentleman approached me after noticing my personalized license plate – ORGNIZR .  “Are you a union organizer?” he asked.  I chuckled and explained that my company specializes in organizing any and all physical space in homes and businesses.

“Oh, my gosh, do I need you!” he exclaimed.  He then pointed to a woman peering into a large blue dumpster.   “That’s my partner,” he said.  “She’s a hoarder and I can’t live with all the stuff she brings home, so once or twice a year I try to get rid of stuff. “  He had no sooner finished talking when the woman in question cried out to him, “Honey, would you please help me get that Andrew Wile book?  I can’t reach it.”  He immediately complied with her request.

This man blamed his partner for making their home unlivable; she, in turn, felt shame for her addiction to collecting and hoarding.  But, as I found out later, the woman didn’t even have a driver’s license.  Without his aiding and abetting, she would have been hard-pressed to gather up the stuff and bring it home in the first place.

This is an extreme case.  Most of the blaming and shaming goes on in ordinary homes with too much clutter.   These are the all-too-common comments that I hear:  “My husband (or wife) is the packrat, not me.  If I had my way, I’d get rid of everything,” and “I need your help, but I don’t want you to see my house.”

Whether the reason for staying stuck is shame or blame, the results are the same.  Negative energy prevails and soon permeates your living and working space.  Another year goes by and the house, the garage, the office remain unchanged; the clutter untouched; and, the internal and external conflicts unresolved.

Today – here and now – resolve to put blame and shame in the past.  Uncover the space you have lost and make peace with yourself and the people you love.

Transitions are a part of life.  As we move from childhood to adulthood, we exchange life in our parents’ home to life in a dorm room or our own apartment.  We marry, have children, buy or rent a home.  Some of us experience divorce or illness and all of us, at some point in our lives, experience the loss of someone we love.

Transitions are a mixed bag – sometimes exciting, sometimes painful, but a very real part of our lives.  During life’s transitions, we can get “off track” for a while.  Our attention and energy is focused on whatever life-changing event is happening in the moment.  We may move from one residence to another; but, due to other demands on our time, never get fully unpacked and settled.  Our children move out and leave unsorted “stuff” behind.  A parent dies and we are left with 40-60 years of accumulation – some worth saving or selling; some not.  A divorce forces us to sort through and divide personal property during one of the most stressful times in our lives.

Marriage these days often means combining two households; sometimes downsizing, but always sorting, purging and packing.  The blessed new arrival may require the spare room – the one that has become a storage area – to be transformed into a nursery.  More sorting, purging, and arranging of space.

Each of these life transitions can cause “transitional clutter.”  If you are currently, or have recently, experienced one of these or another life transition that has left you swimming in clutter, hire a professional organizer in your area.  A few hours of hands-on help and moral support will clear your space, clear your mind, and get you back on track.