So, what IS the difference between hoarding and collecting?

Hoarding is:

}  An irrational, obsessive need to collect and keep items that others would normally discard

}  Clutter that so overtakes living, dining and sleeping spaces that it harms the quality of life

}  Considered a subtype of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

It is estimated that less than 1% of the population suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Hoarding Disorder (OCHD).

Collecting is:

}  Gathering like items (books, stamps, craft supplies, plates, ceramic figurines, tools, old cars, etc.) as a hobby.

Surprise!  It seems there is not a lot of difference between collecting and hoarding, other than the quality and amount of what is collected, and perhaps the mental state that drives it all.

So, all you collectors out there BEWARE!  The line between collecting and hoarding is a thin one and easily crossed.  If the horizontal space in your home has disappeared or is threatened with extinction, it’s time to stop collecting!  And, if you think your collections have great value, it may be time for a reality check.   Often it is the unique one-of-a-kind item that turns out to be priceless.

As boomers age, we often find ourselves juggling career, family and the responsibility of caring for our elderly parent(s) and/or the liquidation of their estate(s).   We begin to ask ourselves, “How long can dad maintain the yard and all of the home repairs?  Now that mom is alone, can she keep up the family home with its 20 or 40 year collection of stuff?  What if something happens and we are left with the clean-up?  How and when should we broach the topic of downsizing?

Let’s begin by dropping the term ‘downsizing’.  The word itself is a ‘downer’ and simply evokes a feeling of loss.  Life is full of different stages and transitions and this just happens to be one of them.  A much more appropriate and positive term is RIGHTSIZING – a time to acquire and a time to let go.  We can choose to gift our treasured possessions to others NOW and enjoy their delight in receiving them.  We can choose less responsibilities and more time with family, friends, and hobbies.   No more storing things for others.  We and our parents can choose less stuff and more freedom.

As one of my clients, a seventy year old retired professor, told me years ago, “I am cleaning up after myself so my kids won’t have to.”

Let’s start with our own stuff and encourage our parents to do the same.  Letting go of stuff we don’t need, want, use, or haven’t the space for is cathartic.  Sort, purge, pack “like with like” in uniform containers (preferably clear plastic) and clearly label the contents of each box.  Just doing that makes everything easier to move should you decide to.  Start early; take it in stages, and it will be easier.  If you wait until you “have to,” the process is guaranteed to be a roller-coaster of emotion. Look at this new stage in life as an opportunity for new experiences and new memories.  Letting go opens up all kinds of possibilities.  It is not the end.  It is a fresh start – at any age.

I was recently consulting with a woman who had three rooms in her home that were out of control:  the home office; her son’s bedroom; and the bonus (play) room.  She was frustrated with her ten-year-old son because he seemed overwhelmed when she asked him to pick up after himself.  “When I tell him to clean up his room,” she said, “he looks at the mess, throws up his hands, and cries, ‘I don’t know where to start!’”

Sound familiar?  I’m sure it does to anyone who has or is currently raising kids.  Most children will do anything to get out of cleaning their rooms, right?  Or is the issue slightly more complicated?

“What if I said, ‘Jane, go clean up your office,’” I asked.  “What would you say?”

She looked at me and broke into a smile.  “I’d say, ‘I don’t know where to start,’” she said with a chuckle.  The irony was definitely not lost on her.

“Tonight, instead of saying, ‘Jimmy, go clean up your room,’ try saying, ‘Jimmy, let’s go clean up your room together,’” I suggested.  After all, she had called me to help her organize the office.

When it comes to training our children how to get and stay organized, we often forget the teaching part.  We either clean their rooms ourselves while they’re in school or otherwise occupied outside the home, or we admonish them and tell them to go clean up after themselves.  How many of us actually do the job with them?

Organizing is a process that is learned, and we all learn best in a cooperative environment.  So, next time you’re tempted to tell your child to go clean up her room, think about how you would feel if someone told you to go clean up your garage.  Overwhelmed, right?  When faced with a difficult task, we all need non-judgmental help, a lot of encouragement, and a laugh or two along the way.  Your child is no exception.

I have, however, become painfully aware of another category, one that often leads to borderline or full-blown hoarding disorder.  I call this Filling the Void Clutter.  I know it exists because some of my clients display the symptoms and I’ve discovered they all have one thing in common…lack of close, loving relationships.

Shopping, collecting, and hoarding “stuff” is a lonely soul’s way to self-nurture.  Surrounding oneself with dolls, vintage toys, miniature houses and the like can be comforting to the child inside who feels abandoned and unloved.  After all, they can’t walk out on you, move away, or die.  Stuff is safe; stuff is forever.

I was having coffee with a friend recently and he told me that he and his wife are considering selling their home and living on a boat, but he had family heirlooms that he wasn’t ready to pass on.  “My wife has a saying in her family,” he said.  “Never cry over something that can’t cry over you.”

What a great way to think about the stuff in our lives.  Only a fellow human being or a beloved pet can give us the love we so richly deserve.  Even plants have been proven to thrive on love.  But, a chair doesn’t have feelings and love doesn’t reside in a doll, or any of the heirlooms we may not even like, but still consider precious.  So, why do we hold onto them?  For my friend, those possessions felt like connection to the family he had lost.  For others, they are a substitute for the children who moved too far away, the grandchildren who rarely if ever visit, or the friends who never have time to play anymore.

The next time you have the urge to shop, call your mother, father, brother, sister, daughter, or son instead.  Make time to have lunch with a friend you haven’t seen for a while.  Play with your cat or take your dog for a long walk.   Do not allow yourself to be defined by what you have, but rather choose to be defined by who you are; someone who cares deeply about relationship with others and takes the time to show it.

Live simply and nurture your relationships.  They will, in turn, nurture you.

“Oh, my gosh, do I need you!” he exclaimed.  He then pointed to a woman peering into a large blue dumpster.   “That’s my partner,” he said.  “She’s a hoarder and I can’t live with all the stuff she brings home, so once or twice a year I try to get rid of stuff. “  He had no sooner finished talking when the woman in question cried out to him, “Honey, would you please help me get that Andrew Wile book?  I can’t reach it.”  He immediately complied with her request.

This man blamed his partner for making their home unlivable; she, in turn, felt shame for her addiction to collecting and hoarding.  But, as I found out later, the woman didn’t even have a driver’s license.  Without his aiding and abetting, she would have been hard-pressed to gather up the stuff and bring it home in the first place.

This is an extreme case.  Most of the blaming and shaming goes on in ordinary homes with too much clutter.   These are the all-too-common comments that I hear:  “My husband (or wife) is the packrat, not me.  If I had my way, I’d get rid of everything,” and “I need your help, but I don’t want you to see my house.”

Whether the reason for staying stuck is shame or blame, the results are the same.  Negative energy prevails and soon permeates your living and working space.  Another year goes by and the house, the garage, the office remain unchanged; the clutter untouched; and, the internal and external conflicts unresolved.

Today – here and now – resolve to put blame and shame in the past.  Uncover the space you have lost and make peace with yourself and the people you love.

Transitions are a mixed bag – sometimes exciting, sometimes painful, but a very real part of our lives.  During life’s transitions, we can get “off track” for a while.  Our attention and energy is focused on whatever life-changing event is happening in the moment.  We may move from one residence to another; but, due to other demands on our time, never get fully unpacked and settled.  Our children move out and leave unsorted “stuff” behind.  A parent dies and we are left with 40-60 years of accumulation – some worth saving or selling; some not.  A divorce forces us to sort through and divide personal property during one of the most stressful times in our lives.

Marriage these days often means combining two households; sometimes downsizing, but always sorting, purging and packing.  The blessed new arrival may require the spare room – the one that has become a storage area – to be transformed into a nursery.  More sorting, purging, and arranging of space.

Each of these life transitions can cause “transitional clutter.”  If you are currently, or have recently, experienced one of these or another life transition that has left you swimming in clutter, hire a professional organizer in your area.  A few hours of hands-on help and moral support will clear your space, clear your mind, and get you back on track.

As the days, weeks, or months of inattention and indecision grew, everything that didn’t belong in the house flowed into the garage, the attic, and the basement.   Eventually, thinking they knew what they had and where to find it, became an illusion.  Here are a few interesting, perhaps surprising, statistics:

• The average person spends 55 minutes a day or 12 weeks a year looking for things he/she owns but cannot find;
• 1 in 11 American households rents a self-storage space and spends over $1000 a year in rent;
• About 80% of the clutter in a home or office is a result of disorganization, not a lack of space (part of the 80/20 rule);
• Most of us wear 20% of our clothes 80% of the time;
• 80% of what we file we never look at again; and,
• Eliminating excess clutter eliminates 40% of the housework in an average home.

Have you ever found something you thought was lost forever?  That is just one of the exciting benefits to getting organized and something we have the great pleasure of experiencing with our clients on a regular basis.  If situational clutter is weighing you down and robbing you of space and happiness, consider hiring a professional.  We have the experience, the objectivity, and the strength to see the job through and provide you with the support you need.

Ask any realtor or house cleaner and they will tell you that no matter the size of the home most Americans have garages, attics, basements, and/or common living spaces crammed with clutter. According to a Boston Marketing Firm study, the average American burns 6 to 8 weeks a year and wastes hundreds of dollars looking for and replacing things they have, but cannot find. Misplaced that electric bill? Pay a late fee. Can’t locate a screwdriver? Buy another one. Lawnmower buried under piles of junk? Hire a lawn service.

So exactly why do we accumulate so much stuff? Why would we rather ignore the growing clutter than throw things away? And how do we regain control over our possessions?

Though there are those for whom the need to accumulate material possessions, or “hoard” can run to the extreme, the majority of clutter cases fall into two main categories: Poor time management (“there just aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done”) and a rationale often referred to as Depression mentality (“Don’t throw it away – we might need it someday!”). And although people of all age groups are affected by clutter, seniors risk life-threatening falls or chronic health conditions caused by dust, mold, and other hidden health hazards.

Adults aged 55 and older are the fastest growing segment of the US population, and represent 40% of the consumer market in the United States. This is a segment of the population with a lot of buying power, but seldom enough energy or physical strength to manage their belongings. In the case of elderly seniors, some must face having to downsize from a home in which they’ve lived for 30, 40, even 50 years, to a smaller, more efficient apartment or condominium. If they have no family or local support system, the task can seem downright impossible.

Fortunately, there is help. In an effort to downsize and streamline their lives, many seniors are now seeking the help of Professional Organizers and Personal Move Managers. For those unfamiliar with these occupations, we are professionals whose job – nay our passion – is to help people sort, organize, pack,  unpack, donate and situate the belongings they have accumulated over the years.

Quality Professional Organizers work closely with each client to create peaceful, personalized living spaces. Through the entire process they provide judgment-free encouragement and support.  Personal Move Managers coordinate and oversee every aspect of a move; again, working closely with each client to reduce the stress and emotional impact of downsizing.

Some jobs are best placed in the hands of experts – for many people, this is one of those jobs.

These coping mechanisms may seem to work in your favor, but what you are actually doing is training your mind to see and hear less and less. Is it any wonder so many people need glasses and hearing aids? And, guess what? Blocking out your surroundings on a daily basis requires a tremendous amount of physical, mental, and emotional energy. Here are some of the ways that clutter and disorganization can affect your quality of life:

Having Clutter Can Make You Feel Tired and Lethargic: If you are living with clutter, chances are you do not have the energy needed to tackle it. That is because stagnant energy accumulates around clutter, causing fatigue and lethargy. Just looking at the clutter probably makes you feel tired and overwhelmed. Here is the good news…getting rid of the clutter will release pent up energy and revitalize your mind and body.

Having Clutter Can Keep You in the Past: When all of your available space is filled with memorabilia or “I might need it someday” clutter, there is no room for anything new to come into your life. Your thoughts tend to dwell in the past, and you feel bogged down with old issues and problems. Clearing your clutter allows you to breathe new life into your environment, clear away the cobwebs in your mind and begin to move forward. In order to create a better tomorrow, you must first release yesterday.

Having Clutter Can Affect Your Body Weight: Peter Walsh’s recently published book called, Does this clutter make my butt look fat? addresses the link between clutter and obesity. Body fat and clutter are both forms of self-protection. Layers of fat or clutter can become your safeguard against the shocks of life and serve to cushion you from the emotional issues you feel incapable of handling. Both provide a false sense of control. Clutter may also prevent you from preparing nutritional meals at home, making take-out, delivery, or restaurant dining habitual.

Having Clutter Can Confuse You: It is impossible to maintain clarity in your life when you are surrounded by clutter. Decision-making is more difficult because you cannot think clearly. When clutter is removed, so are the mental obstacles. Important life decisions become easier. Creating space in your environment automatically gives you the space in your mind to discover and manifest the life you really want.

Having Clutter Can Isolate You and Make You Feel Ashamed: Perhaps your home is so cluttered and messy that you are ashamed to invite people over and panic if someone shows up unannounced. Living like this is stressful and lonely. Why not decide to clear out the junk, feel good about yourself and your home, and regenerate your social life with confidence?

Have someone read the following questions to you. Ask him or her to read each sentence slowly and allow you plenty of time to think about it before going on to the next sentence. Sit or lie down and get comfortable. Close your eyes and take a moment to notice where you feel tension or anxiety in your body. Do not answer the questions aloud – just think about them.

• Do you feel tension in your head?
• Do you feel tightness in your forehead, jaw, or chin?
• Do you feel tightness in your neck, shoulders, or anywhere else?
• Is your heart rate speeding up?
• Is your face flushed?
• Does your body temperature feel unusually hot or cold?
• Do you notice yourself holding your breath, sighing, scratching yourself a lot, grinding your teeth, or clenching your fists?
• Do you feel a knot in your stomach? Or, do you notice more subtle reactions?
• Is your mind racing or going blank?
• Are you having trouble concentrating or being still?

Make a note of these physical messages. When you feel the tension, breathe deeply into that area of your body, hold the breath for a few seconds, then breath out and relax. As you practice this exercise, you will increase your ability to identify and relieve the tension in your muscles and achieve an enhanced feeling of relaxation.

In Part Three of this series, I will talk about how your physical environment can add to or relieve the stress in your life.